A large part of Beijing’s LGBT community is currently still in the closet, and not expecting to come out of it anytime in the near future. In hopes of pleasing their parents’ and society’s filial demands, or in response to high pressure, many members of the LGBT community have married people of the opposite sex, in the hopes that their families will back off.
We spoke to some unmarried men about whether or not they would consider getting married to please their parents and society, and to some who are in what has been dubbed as a ‘marriage of convenience’ about how they feel about their marriage, and whether their partners of the opposite sex know that they are gay.
One of the first people we spoke to is Wolfgang*, a 52-year-old man working in an international public institution who was recently divorced. Although he says that his marriage was alright when he was in it, they divorced because he and his partner, “were working in different cities, and because there were personality clashes. You know, normal reasons to get divorced.”
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Geffen*, a 33-year-old male working in trade agreed on a certain level, as he tells us that his marriage is happy and he wants to have children. He and his wife get on well: “I want to look after my wife, and ensure that all my family members are doing well and at ease.”
However, he doesn’t believe in getting married just for the sake of pleasing your parents. “Firstly, marriage is sacred, and it is a responsibility. Secondly, a fake marriage violates your inner well-being, you carry a heavy burden every day and all day. Thirdly, you are cheating your partner, and your actions are unjust towards your husband or your wife. Fourthly, fake marriages have no genuine meaning and especially if you end up having children, the atmosphere is not a great and healthy family atmosphere to raise children in.”
However, the two have opposing perspectives on whether or not to come out to their spouses. Geffen’s partner knows that he is gay. She is the only one who knows though, as Geffen emphasizes that his parents will never know and that he will not come out of the closet until they have departed this earth.
Wolfgang tells us that “[my wife] doesn’t know, but if we were still married, I would have told her. I believe this is a question of understanding. I have a few friends who are married, and who have already been honest to their spouses. Once their spouses have gained understanding, they remained married.”
But not everyone agrees that coming out to your spouse is the best way to go, at least not yet. Weidong*, a 28-year-old doctor, is married to a woman who doesn’t know that he is gay. “Perhaps I will tell her in the future, one day I will come out of the closet. I do believe that things will change in maybe ten years or so.”
Huhu*, a 30-year-old male who works as an engineer agrees, as he says that “I will probably find a wife to satisfy my family, otherwise it will be hard to put my conscious at ease. It will be even better if we have a child. If the partner I am marrying doesn’t know that I am gay, I will probably not tell them, but rather hide who I am. I do believe that one day I will be able to come out, because things are changing. However, not quite yet.”
On the other hand, there are gay men in marriages with lesbians – an arrangement which seems to work out for both. Kevin*, 33-year-old sales worker, is in one of these ‘arranged marriages.’ “It is not bad, we will not have children, and I will not come out of the closet to my family. Society doesn’t really appear to be discriminating to people outside of the LGBT community, but when you are part of this community you will realize that there is still some time needed for changes to be made in society for us to feel more included.”
Wolfgang agrees, as he tells us about how his mother is still adjusting to him being single now. “More and more people are starting to pay attention to people and family’s life quality rather than just focusing on their lifestyle choice. My mother always wanted me to get married right away, but I told her: “Mother, I am your son, you hope your son’s life on this earth is happy, right?” Then I told her that I am happy living the single life for now. She nodded her head in agreement, she seems to understand me.”
“Unfortunately, because of China’s traditional cultural thinking, coming out of the closet to family members and parents will only cause pain. So for now, I will not yet do that.”
*Names have been changed to ensure anonymity.
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