Been a great week to be alive and enjoying life in 2016 in Beijing because finally FINALLY some brave and noble person working for some fabulous authoritative body has outlawed those mother-friggin’ segway machines

Feel like I got a new lease on life. Feel like I no longer have to live in fear. Feel like our national nightmare is at an end.

Can’t tell you how many times I’m just minding my own business, just kicking it, just chilling it to the max, just being my best possible self out there in the modern world, and I’m strolling to the Family Mart to get one of those awesome banana milk juice box things, and some maniac bastard zooooooooooms by me on one of those two-wheel Segway things, looking like MAGNETO or ZOD or BRAINIAC or SINESTRO or MUM-RA or whatever, scaring the BEJESUS out of me.

The hell, man. The hell. What? What, are you friggin’ late to steal some Russian satellite country’s nuclear launch codes? Huh? Are you? Everyone else in the city is just trying to get where they’re going like normal people and you gotta slide through the friggin’ air looking like friggin’ DOCTOR FRIGGIN’ OCTOPUS, MAN. 

I hate those things. I really hate those things. Everyone who rides one of those two-wheel floating device frigging Segway things thinks they look like Steve F*CKING Jobs. You think you’re Steve Jobs? NO MAN. YOU DON’T LOOK LIKE STEVE JOBS. You look like your on your way to activate a doomsday weather machine or poison Gotham’s water supply or some shit.

Segways: They’re how Cobra Commander gets to work.

If you ask me, a RMB 10 fine is too good for them. It’s too good. I would lock them away in Arkham asylum. Or Magneto’s plastic box prison. Or you know: the Negative Zone. I would put Segway owners in that flat dimension mirror prison thing and SHOOT THEM INTO FRIGGIN’ SPACE. Yeah. Float on, Segway dudes. Float on into the surface of the sun.

Fakakta Segway machines.

What’s this article supposed to be about again?

OH. CLUBS.

Kind of feel clubs should be outlawed as well. Let's put an end to nightclubs AND Segway machines! Fine them all RMB 10 a zillion times over. But do that after this weekend because clubs and whatever look real good this weekend. Oh man.

Friday

Derrick May at Dada
Remember like three years ago when you locked your IMMORTAL SOUL into one of those lockers at Dada and then lost the key? Me too. I commiserate. I sympathize. BUT. But. On Friday night they’ve got one of the biggest bookings they’ve ever had in the form of one Detroit techno luminary, Derrick May. What can you say? Derrick May. Dude invented techno. Pretty neato. Derrick May is playing Beijing. In an “intimate club setting.” On top of that, they’ve got two of China’s most respected DJs on support: Ben Huang and Mickey Zhang. That’s what you should do. No lie, that’s going to be good. Thumbs up.

Entry is one of the three following prices: RMB 100; RMB 120; RMB 150.

OR you can tell them this at the door and get in for free: “I’m Steven Schawwaankert of The Beijinger and I DEMAND COMPLIMENTARY ENTRY INTO THIS ESTABLISHMENT FOR A BLOG I'M RESEARCHING.”

That works everywhere in Beijing, I’m telling you, I’ve been doing it for years.

Nu-Mark at Migas
Tough call man. Hip-hip tic-tac-tician Nu-Mark is playing on the same night over at Migas. No playground tactics, no rabbit in a hat tricks across town on the very same night as Derrick May. Shite. Guess you have to make the call. If it was up to the white guy I shared a room with in college, he’d recommend Nu-Mark. No one loves old school classic hip-hop quite like the middle class white dudes I went to college with in the late 90s. Dude was such a purist. He was like early Black Eyed Peas-deep into that shiz. He shopped at Stitches. 

This event’s also the Migas anniversary of their terrace as well, so congrats to them for that. Well done, terrace. Well done. Way to keep existing. If you go, make sure you literally get on your knees and congratulate the terrace directly at Migas. Rub it and give it a hug. Terrace anniversary. WTF. It’s like the Migas terrace fought at D-Day in 1945, storming the beach at Normandy and it really deserves your respect for all the sacrifices it’s made.

Congratulations inanimate piece of architecture at Migas: you are the greatest generation. 

RMB 100 at the door. Starts 10pm. 

Saturday and Sunday

The Graceland Electronic Music Festival at Datan Paradise Bird Music Park
Here’s the press: 

“This festival has been thought and created to bring to the people an experience far from a normal music festival, this will be a weekend of total immersion in nature, in a place extremely beautiful, with no boundaries of green in the day and 180 degrees stars all over your head …” 

GAHHHHH. STAHP. STAHP. Dudes! STOP. THAT. HORSESHIT. Translation:

“Yo, there is a music festival called The Graceland Electronic Music Festival happening. This is a music festival thing, out there in some friggin’ nature camping place or whatever, and maybe you should go, sort yourself out for some ecstasy, try to make out with someone with neon wackness all over their face, and then barf and go pass out in a bush. The end.”

If you guys want me to write your press releases I will. I’m a professional truth teller.

Four Stages. 50 Acts. Sounds pretty good actually … 

RMB 550, RMB 480 (advance, including bus), RMB 380 (advance). 2pm-6am both days.

Have a good weekend, Beijing. You’re looking fine.

Images: metrouk2wordpress.com, courtesy of the organizers


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