You will have seen him: a guy aged between 25 and 35, with enough disposable income to afford a new toy but wanting to christen a lazier junction in his life by minimizing walking to almost completely nil.

In lieu of not having to ride a bike with two hands, this tech-savvy “trendsetter” can now smoke, drink, and WeChat his friends, all the while going at higher speeds than if he were forced to use the two fleshy pegs evolution had given him.

If you haven’t seen him, you'll likely be almost run over by one on the sidewalk soon, as Beijing’s law enforcement has deemed it prudent to ban Segways and e-scooters from the roads, forcing them to now threaten the lives of pedestrians on the pavement.

The new law, which came into effect on Monday, warns that anyone caught trying to use one of these indifference mobiles – which can travel up to speeds exceeding 20km/h – will now be slapped with a laughable 10 kuai fine and “verbal warning,” whatever that might entail ("Shame on you!").

So, just to refresh what has happened here: people who are using machines that are deemed unsafe because of their poor breaking ability are being sent to where the defenseless, the elderly, and the children (think of the children!) walk, and for their cooperation, are being saved the equivalent fee of a taxi ride.

But we all know these e-scooter fools are not the cause of the mess that is Beijing's traffic. Here we’ve compiled the transport violations that really make getting from Point A to Point B a mess in Beijing, and should garner at least a 10 kuai fine:

1. Yobs who park their automobile on the sidewalk.

2. Fools that drive their electric scooters on the sidewalk.

3. Morons that take a right on red and attempt to part the pedestrian sea with their steely Vehicle of Death.

4. Restaurant delivery motorcycle drivers who careen across pedestrian overpasses, honking the whole way.

5. City planning goons who build permanent structures such as bus stops and subway station exits without regard to the width of sidewalk, thereby rendering it impossible for two normal humans to pass without bumping one another.

6. Traffic engineer jerks who erect ridiculously convoluted white metal fences in the middle of the road in a vain attempt to control traffic, rendering crossing the street on foot (or making a u-turn) a major undertaking.

7. Three-wheeled tin can drivers that park outside many subway stations and habitually drive the wrong direction down major roadways.

8. Boorish drivers who lean on their horn so much they drive with one thumb suspended over the horn button.

9. Lemming-like pedestrian hordes that inch halfway through the intersection in anticipation of the walk light.

10. Brash cyclists who think that just because they are not motorized that they are free to ignore all manner of road regulations.

11. Brain-dead pedestrians who are watching a TV show/movie on their phone at the same time as negotiating subway line changes.

12. Clueless parents who use their stroller and baby as human shields to stop traffic when crossing busy roads.

13. Boneheaded commuters who stubbornly shove their way into the subway car just as people inside are attempting to come out, then acting shocked and muttering under their breath when they are pushed back out by those fighting to get off.

14. Dim-witted drivers who cruise around at 10km/h on major roadways while staring at their GPS, trying to decipher their arse from their elbow.

15. Speed freaks driving at 100km/h while talking on their phone.

16. The elderly that do the "leg swing bicycle mount" without looking for other cyclists that may be trying to pass them at the same time.

Got any to add to the list? Christmas is only four months away, maybe we're about due a safety miracle.

More stories by this author here.

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Photo: Xiaomi


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