UGH. CLUBS.

Reader, just so you know I’m out there on the scene and all just so you know I’m really qualified to be your go-to source for weekend clubbing recommendations just to re-iterate my qualifications on being like a modern day Moses figure for the new celebration generation and to justify the Beijinger’s choice in affording me this weekly digital Mt. Sinai from which to smash my events recommendations tablets on all your asses I’d like you to know that I actually went to the invite only Beijing “Boiler Room” party earlier this week.

So there. 

I’m hip. I’m now. House music. Dance floor. Table service. Modern life. Vodka Redbull. Strobe lights. Nnn tsst. Nnn tsst. Nnn tsst. Speaker dancing. Took an Uber to the venue. I’ve got guest list. This DJ is so sick. So happy I don’t have to teach tomorrow.

I live this life. Tonight’s gonna be a good, good night. 

I’m so into the nightclub life my spirit animal is chlamydia.

Speaking of that.

Thursday

Blasting the New Harry Potter @ Your House
New Harry Potter Harry Potter and the Cursed Child  is out NOW and my big recommendation this weekend is just getting stuck into that whole universe again. It’s wonderful. Today. Tonight. Do it. Party like it’s 1995. New Harry Potter, what else can there be to do. What else IS there to do.  

Question: You know in the third one, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azerbaijan, the Hogwarts kids are learning the hugely important defensive spell the “Patronus Charm” (Expecto Patronum! Remember?), which is the conjuring of a magical guardian as a protection against Dementors and Lethifolds and the like. Basically, wizardfolk are tasked with thinking of their happiest memory and then a magical guardian gets formed in the “shape of the animal with whom they share the deepest affinity” in this luminescent white light like a stag, or an eagle, or a lion, or a dove, or whatever and it protects them from evil.

Check this out, what if the animal with whom you share your “deepest affinity” is like … some random, horrible little thing. A terrible, piece of shit animal. An awful creature. In the movie, everyone’s got like these majestic, glowing unicorns and gazelles, but what they DON’T show the kid who’s spirit animal happens to be like a shitty little gerbil or a deformed fruit bat or a sick cat limping around with one of those cones around it’s neck. What if your spirit animal is like … two bullfrogs f*cking or something! 

Think about that! Would be pretty embarrassing to have to throw that up in lights in front of everyone every time a Dementor gets up in your face! Expecto Patronum! Feel the power of these sad, copulating bullfrogs I share a deep affinity with! 

Friends, I’m almost 100% positive my Patronus Charm is a shimmering, dazzling, effervescent Boston Terrier that got abandoned on the runway at the LAX and now spends it’s days running away from airport staff and drinking rainwater.

Can your Patronus Charm be anything living? Any living organism? The Ebola Virus? The Syphilis bacteria! 

What if your spirit animal is CRABS! Think about that all weekend long, why don’t you! You’re welcome! 

Thursday

Dragon Burnt @ Lantern
People who’s Patronus Charm is this super chill guy called “Glen from work” who wears a faded Pink Floyd shirt all the time, and will smoke you up on a jay in the alley around from the 7-Eleven should hit Lantern tonight because that’s where the DJ booking remnants of that Dragon Burn festival will be playing. dART couldn’t go through with their festival out in the desert, but they’re still bringing the posi-vibes to Beijing at Lantern with Philipp Jung, one half of superstar electronic duo M.A.N.D.Y., and French techno producer Bambounou. Should be crunchy.

Starts 10pm. RMB 30 cover. 

Friday

You’re in Love @ The Universe
I don’t know. Got nothing for Friday. Just be cool.

No cover. 24 hours.

Oh wait, I lied. There is a little summit summit ...

Bye Bye Disco Anniversary @ Lantern
Pretty good week for Lantern actually. On top of the Thursday, for Friday, you’ve got a Back2Basics techno night with guest Rob Hes, and then on the Saturday, Beijing’s resident manic pixie dream girl DJ Pei celebrates eight years of her Bye Bye Disco party brand. Big line-up of local cats Pei, Ewan, HAO, Zhiqi, Menghan, Anton, supporting UK’s Trus'me (Prime Numberd).

Good for people who’s Patronus Charm is like … I don’t know … Marcus Schneider or something. 

Haha, can you imagine. 

Starts 10pm. Guessing cover is like … 50 rambos? [Ed's note: RMB 100, includes a drink]

Street Kids Presents Kingdom @ Dada
Also, because we know that there are only two clubs worth going to in this depraved town, LA-based DJ and head of Fade to Mind records does up Dada with the help of Siesta, Yauman, and Puzzy Stack. Rad.

Starts 10pm. RMB 60. 

Saturday

Dada Four Year Anniversary @ Dada
People who’s Patronus Charm is a drunk chick with barf all over her shoes and hair stuck in big clumps to the sweat on her forehead, screaming HAVE YOU SEEN ASHLEY HAVE YOU SEEN ASHLEY should go to the Dada bar anniversary because it’s Compact Dicks last show at the Gulou-fornia venue and f*ck it, I’m playing Slayer. 

PEACE OUT BEIJING IT’S BEEN TOO REAL.

Starts 10pm. No cover. 

Photos: fansided.comharlotsf.comcloudfront.net, SmartBeijing


Visit the original source and full text: the Beijinger Blog