Hot clubbing recommendation, right here in the very first sentence: curling up into a fetal ball and just crying recklessly all weekend long, cursing the higher power of your choosing. Just opening the floodgates. 

No? 

K. I got other ones. 

I don’t know, is going to dance clubs any good? Is that a good idea? Ever? Sometimes? I guess if you had the predilection to try to go out and try to rub yourself on some other person out there in world, dance clubs are pretty much where you would go and do that. Not like … the DMV.

Or at the local PSB.

Friday

Registering Your Shit at The Local PSB
Man, had to register my shit at the local PSB like two days ago. I dressed up for it. Trying to not look like a total psychotic. I wore my Dad’s Bilabong swimming trunks that he lent me that one time we went to Bora Bora biggest, lamest, friendliest shorts ever and a huge, billowy plaid shirt that I got from my gram gram in Christmas ‘97. Was just trying to slip through the cracks, unnoticed, innocuous just trying to look like a good, clean honest guy who knows how to barbecue, is into Soundgarden, and has been known to play a little Playstation from time to time. Just trying to look like a I’ve got a pretty intriguing idea for an app that suggests other apps, and is eager to one day check Guilin off the list. 

I’m in line, there’s like four people in front of me, taking forever, 20 minutes  30 minutes go by. I start sweating. Start having a meltdown. A wave of fear washes over me. Hitching up these giant Dad swim trunks, I’m starting to panic. Everything goes right to shit. 

By the time I get to the front of the line, I’m like Frank Zappa, clutching these partially filled out forms in my shaking fists, my eyes are two undulating kaleidoscopes, a rainbow exploding out of my forehead, riding up to the desk on a school of dolphins asking the policewoman if “she likes to paaaaaaarty.”

So that’s better than Spark; I recommend that if you’re looking for a buzz. If you’re looking for a rush. Spark is probably good though. But for Friday, just do that. TCB at the PSB. Paaarty.

No cover. PSB alien registration desk closes at like 6pm.

Night Slugs at Dada
I dunno, it’s a good one at Dada on Friday. UK grime thing featuring producer du jour Bok Bok, along side L-Vis 1990, and Kingdom. Hard alt dance, yeah. For me, the big selling point of Dada is hanging out with a bunch of fashionably dressed psychopaths who care a great deal about foosball, and then maybe a dude in a van will drive me home at like 6am. That’s pretty much what happens. Sometimes you want to get kicked in the head, either metaphorically or directly. Not gonna pretend like I even know. But I just know it should be okay. Or maybe shitty.  

I’ll steal you drinks from the bar, if you come up and call me on it. I’m the dude in the corner in the fetal position sobbing and cursing god. Can swing you a free G&T. 

10pm. They’re doing that sneaky thing where they don’t advertise the cover anywhere, get people to show up, and then ding them for cover at the door because they’re already there, which is full-on HORSESHIT. Probably either RMB 50, RMB 60, or RMB 80. Those seem to be the three options. 

Friday: Gareth Emery at Spark
Perennial Top 100 DJ chart placer peaked at #7 in 2010 (#12 in rebounds; #15 in assists; #11 in RBIs) and sentient Jack Jones advertisement Gareth Emery is returning to China to play at baffling ordeal Spark. Do you like Trance music? Do you like to make it more high? Do you like open bars? 

Would you like to know more?

10pm. RMB 200 cover at the door. Includes open bar.


Saturday

Eurotracks at Mimi e Coco
“Mimi e Coco” is this new cocktails and cool kids venue that is kinda a part of Ramo on Fangia Hutong and not the name of this softcore porno recorded off Cinemax that I used to watch on VHS in 1987, hammering on the tracking butting like a bastard trying to get rid of those white lines, hoping to Christ my parents wouldn’t wake up. 

“Mimi e Coco”  don’t even know what that means. Sounds like they’d rub complimentary suntan lotion on you sponsored from the Italian consulate, I have no fuckin’ idea. On Saturday night, they’ve got good DJs though doing a party called “Eurotracks.” Music is good synthy, disco, fizzy, good vibes stuff. Definitely one to check out as like a mature person who’s into nice drinks and good music. Recommended.

No cover. 9pm.

Sexy Summer III & Pool and Foam Party
That summer pool party is back again at that place called Greenland. I can’t in good faith recommend anything called “Sexy Summer III & Pool and Foam Party,” because it sounds like it’s going to give your soul pink eye, but I’d just like to call attention to the fact that one of the DJs booked at the “Sexy Summer III & Pool and Foam Party” is called DJ OMEGA just like that in all caps DJ OMEGA which IS THE MOST DJ NAME THAT EVER DJ'ED.

That just it. We’re done. There are no more DJ names after this person. He is the harbinger of doom, he brings a sea of tech-house darkness to wash over the land, he is the architect of your EDM destruction. (He’s probably playing like third.) 

Also my new DJ name is “Kate Kush.” (Pretty good, eh?) 

3pm to midnight. RMB 300 at the door.

Images courtesy of the organizers, mishdvsmusic.commediad.publicbroadcasting.netimage.club.china.com


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