Beijing damn your eyes it’s time once more to spin the big bad wheel marked “nightlife” and come up with some super awesome clubbing and party recommendations for this weekend! Welcome to the Beijinger. You're welcome. We’re here to provide that insider scoop on only the best, most crucial events you should be attending. Our competitors you know who they are bottom-feeders, charlatans, reprobates, weasels, brutes, swine, lamprey eels they provide week, flaccid, and ineffectual clubbing recommendations.

RELATED: The Beijinger International Foodie Weekend, Aug 13-14

Ours are robust. Ours are bold. Ours will make your colors pop and your whites whiter than white. 

Let’s go.

Aug 12-14 at My Landlord's Apartment: Standing Out Front, Looking Menacing with Balaclavas
My friends, allow me to relay a story of injustice, oppression, abuse, malfeasance, and woe. Basically, my landlord wants to raise my rent by RMB 2,000  2 grand 2 large 2k true story it’s total horseshit so it would really, really help me out if we could get just a few hundred, nay several hundred, people to stand outside of his place all weekend long, all wearing ski-masks to send a message. The message: Dude, chillax. And I will fix the damn bathroom light, seriously.  

So, yeah. Just trying to create a classic, run-of-the-mill V for Vendetta situation right in front of my landlord's apartment for this weekend so that he knows not to mess with the righteous wrath of the proletariat. In my fantasy, I’m just picturing him stumbling through a wall of anonymous anarchism, sobbing wildly, rain beating down from the sky, clenched fists, screaming to the heavens, realizing his crimes but far too late! 

No entry fee. BYOB (bring your own balaclavas).

Aug 12-14: Whatever is Happening at Elements
Beijing, take a knee. Check this out. Last night I went to “Elements” a nightclub called “Elements” for the first time I really did which is basically like your worst nightmare dry humping your second worst nightmare, and Katy Perry remixes are playing in the background. This is an entirely true story: I was sitting at this table and they were drinking champagne and the bottle of champagne had a little, miniature light-up crown on top of it! Like a little tiny crown! 

Someone in management's like, “yeah champagne, private tables, models, music that’s like a war crime, your own personal waiter slave from Anhui but what if we really want to amp the dickhead-ness to the max? What else can we do? I’ve got it, tiny crowns!” 

Anyways, recommend this place. Whatever they have on. Elements. Tiny light-up crowns on the champagne. I’m into it.

How many of these do I have to do? Can they all just be joke ones? You guys want to know what’s happening at Dada/Migas/Lantern yet? 

Starts 10pm. No entry fee. Maybe there is. I don’t remember.

Aug 12: Psytrance Party at Fruityspace
Oh man. I’ve been writing this column for what feels like an eternity – seriously, it’s like some ancient Greek Hades torture where I’m pushing a blog up a hill for all time with a vulture rammed up my ass because I insulted Aphrodite that one time and this is the first event I’m honestly recommending: “Psytrance Party” at Fruityspace. 

Fruity Space is an experimental music space in Gulou. It’s the basement across town your dad moved into when your parents got divorced. They’re having a party called "Psytrance Party."

Psytrance is the official music genre preference of People With Dreadlocks You Never Want In Your Wechat Ever.

So yeah. Do the math. Should be nutty. Recommended. I just hope they have enough couches for the people into psytrance to crash on and never ever leave after. "Starts at 8.30.” LOL. 

Starts 8.30pm. No advertised cover.

Aug 12: Do Hits! feat. Zaliva-D at Dada
Oh man. Another good one for Friday. These are all for Friday night. I guess on Saturday, just make sure you do the thing where we scare my landlord to death. I’m not kidding about that.  

So, Friday at Dada is Do Hits!, which is like a bunch of Beijing kids putting on bass nights in a club or whatever. The special thing about tonight is that they’ve got a duo called “Zaliva-D” booked. Zaliva-D is some bonkers-ass, full-on cybergoth EBM act that sounds like The Matrix soundtrack dry humping The Matrix 2 soundtrack. It’s seriously fantastic. “Cybergoth” google it.  

Last time I saw Zaliva-D was like three years ago and I happened to overhear the dude talking to the club owner about his music. He described his music as “post-sex.” Haha, serious! Like the concept of “sex” was just this turgid and debased remnant of an imperfect human society to be swept away with the inevitable and immutable machine onslaught. 

So yeah, that should be good.

Sigh, Beijinger isn’t paying me enough for these recommendations, I’m telling you. Have a good weekend, I hate you all.

Want to actually do something Saturday? Check here for the weekend's best events.

Photos: dailymail.co.uk, ytimg.com, fRUITYSPACEmask9.com


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