Late night/early-morning revelers were shocked last night when Kim Jong Un, chairman of the Workers' Party of Korea (WPK) and chairman of the State Affairs Commission of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (DPRK), descended on notorious after-hours hooch purveyor Heaven Supermarket, rolling in with his posse at around 3.35am.

"Yeah, man," said the portly, yet fashionably dressed, young megalomaniacal mogul, "I told them to turn that train around. I had some partying to do." At which point, Kim chugged a bottle of Jack Daniels and began punching his Tantan date.

He left around 6.45am to see if he "still had time to do a lap around the talent pool at Mix."

When asked by fellow patrons what he meant by "partying," Chairman Kim responded that he had just finished two sets of "Worker's trance" at Dada including remixes of Peng Liyuan classics set to a tribal beat and a drum/bass/tuba version of several Moranbang Band hits including "The Duel", 'Victory," and "Screw You, Western Devils."

At the height of his set, Chairman Kim, who goes by the DJ name "Number Un" on stage, threw his hands in the air shouting, "Look, look! They're bigger than Donald Trump's" before descending to the floor in a fit of maniacal giggling.

Reports that Dennis Rodman was also lurking between Fireball shots at Temple Bar and hanging in the back of Dada remain unconfirmed.

The Ministry of Foreign Affairs has so far refused comment, asking the Beijinger to fax a picture of Kim to them because, according to Spokesperson Hua Chunying, "No photos means it didn't happen."

Our editors encourage anyone with images, personal recollections, or DNA samples from Kim's late night revelries to contact our office.

Photo courtesy of a buddy at Xinhua


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