April 1 has long been the traditional day to play practical jokes — jokes that may end in tears, sorrow and despair. For however high the initial humor quotient of the joke may be, offense will ultimately be taken — not because it is or isn’t funny, but because anger is so very, very important.
As respectful as we are of the proclivity of some readers to taking offense, we will refrain from making a April Fools-themed blog post. That would be in bad taste. So instead, here then is a collection of some of the topics that will definitely cause offense.
1. Children
Otherwise known as “the future,” children are completely off-limits when it comes to jokes. This means not talking about burdening them with our broken, failed dreams in the same way we won’t bring up how parents are rewarded for raising their children to adulthood by being blamed for it.
2. Racism
Completely unfunny. It is not right to point out cultural differences that cite a lack of sensitivity between cultures.
3. Nationalism
Flag waving is completely serious, and not something to joke about. Those miniture little flags? Tendinitis will put your wrists out for three to six months.
4. Cats
Top animal on the internets, not up for debate. Not fair to bring up any of its faults except if it is captured on video wearing a funny hat.
5. Technology
The savior of tomorrow, and not to be trifled with. The reason for the redundancy by which consumers will save up to buy the latest overpriced product that will become outdated at the same time next year: because it needed to be bought.
6. Spoilers
Totally unfunny. The twists in the same cliched plots of every rehashed big-budget product with commercial tie-ins is not as important as actually telling a good story. The phrase “who died?” is no longer a sarcastic remark, but a harbinger of fury.
7. Mexican food
If you have a best friend, consider yourself lucky. It’s likely because you have never brought up Mexican food, the topic that wrecks homes, divides marriages, destroys friendships. Everyone has an opinion on Mexican food, an opinion they’ll take to the grave, so by all things holy, don’t share it with your best friend.
8. Fanboyism
Product X is way better than product Y, and your asinine objections will only serve to make me more loyal to my product of choice! Please define my identity by that which is not me.
9. Opinions
The internet is made up of opinions, and there’s one contrary to yours right now waiting for you to discredit. Seek your validation now!
10. Outrage
Outrage is real. Outrage is palpable. It’s not something you can take away from someone because outrage doesn’t just define anger, it defines truth: why else would you get angry if it wasn’t for a righteous cause?
For that reason, outrage can never be made fun of. It is serious. Deadly serious. Making fun of it would only serve to discredit the outrage that was taken in the first place, the spinach by which online Popeye’s of truth are empowered.
What makes you irrationally angry? Sound off in the comments below!
Photos: Flickr (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10), tradeduck.com