Bad news from the organizers of the Great Wall Party. The festivities must be postponed due to reasons beyond their control. NB Noise stated that the new plan is to hold the event on July 4 weekend. We couldn't think of a better way to celebrate American independence than listen to a bunch of European styled dance DJs. 

Here is the official statement from NB Noise:

We regret to inform you that due to unforeseen circumstances we have to postpone the Great Wall Party to July 4th. Tickets already purchased will still be valid for the next event. For those of you that have purchased tickets and would like a refund, we will make announcements on ticket refund locations times shortly.

Please follow Great-Party on Wechat for updates. For any inquiries please email [email protected] For any info please call 136 8126 3981 (Eng) or 134 8885 3779 (Chi).

In other news, here is your winner of the Great Wall Party (Rob) contest expounding on his horrific (fictional) experience at the Great Wall. May the lord have mercy on this man's soul, and may his future experience of this world wonder be redeemed by fantastic DJs and wild dancing. No water flutes please:

One time I was at the great wall and the worst thing ever happened to me.

So I'm at the Great Wall with my girlfriend and the pollution is really bad. most people didn't even go to the wall that day, so the wall is empty; no other tourists. However there is still a small army of old laotaitai and laotou carrying huge heavy bags full of Great Wall t-shits.

So we start walking up the great wall and all the old people start following us up the wall too. Everyone is in our face trying to sell us those t-shits, but somehow all they have is extra-small. A few of them are also trying to sell us those goofy little water flutes made of plastic. You know, they make the sound like a Willy Wonka time machine or something. When we set off from the base, I tell them we don't want to buy anything. They respond with, "these are great products, best in China, I give you good price, buy it for your girlfriend, for your mother, for your mistress, where are you from?, this is an antique t-shit, how tall are you?, my grand-daughter knit this t-shit herself, this is my grandfather's water-flute, I give you good price, " I realize the futility of arguing. I accept their presence, and hope we can ditch them by the tower at the top of the first hill.

Anyway, so we are walking up the wall. Me, my girlfriend, and a small army of hockers with t-shits, water flutes, and small cheap little drums. So, as we are walking up the hill of pollution, which was already quite miserable, it starts to get even thicker. We are all climbing towards this tower at the top of the hill, and even though I can see its getting bigger as I climb up to it, it's outline keeps getting fainter and fainter. I have been in Beijing long enough to know that pollution is bad, but something seemed strange about this one. Anyway, we continue to climb up and as we are climbing the hockers start playing their little flutes. also their cheapo little drums start to beat. At first kinda just with no rhyme or reason, but then as we continue to climb more forceful and more rhythmically. Goddamn I hate those flutes. I turn around to take a look at the scenery around us and through the hazy pollution i see that below us on the trail even more hockers are setting out behind us with more water flutes, drums, and t-shits.

We are now really close to the first tower, and its hazy outline starts to get clearer and clearer. But still this weird drum beat and water-flute symphony is starting to make me really uncomfortable. I ask one of the old ladies what’s going on and she says "how old are you? Where are you from?". F**k me. Meanwhile, the water flutes start going crazy. Their cacophony starts to reach a dizzying pitch.

So me and my lady-friend were up in the front of the crowd, and we are both just about had it with these weird ass shenanigans. We look at each other, share a knowing look that only two people that truly love each other and have been through both hell and high-water together can share, and then dash up the last 30 steps to the tower, hoping we can escape this ridiculous spectacle.

So we jump into this first tower, dash through it. As we come out the other side we are both struck by something. The pollution seems to have disappeared. It’s all gone. And ahead of us the wall continues for a hundred meters or so and then just kinda ends. There is no more wall. WTF? It’s supposed to be the Great Wall of China, why would it just stop? We are both shocked and not really sure what’s going on. My girlfriend is so nervous and distraught she just pukes right there.

And then we hear the drum beat again. It’s louder than before.

Then all the sudden the old people start walking through the tower with their huge t-shit bags. But they seem different. Their teeth are somehow worse before, and their clothes more shabby. No more western suits, and instead they seem to be wearing burlappy sacky looking ensembles. They seem a little more sullen, and they seem to be marching in step now. They continue marching forward to the end of the wall. When they get to us, I ask them why the wall ends. This time they just ignore me; they push me to the side of the wall and keep on marching forward. I look back at the tower, and they are still streaming through it. It’s an unstoppable wave.

Although my girlfriend and I are both pretty stoked for what can only be one of the most unique China experiences that anyone could ever brag about, we are also quite miffed. what the hell is going on?

So I see the column of hockers in the front reach the end of the wall. They climb down to the bottom of the wall and they put their big bags full of t-shits. And lo and behold from underneath the t-shits they pull out bricks. mo-f**king bricks.

And there they go, pulling out bricks and laying them on the wall and turning around and heading back from whence they came. This is f**ked up weird; what happened to the t-shirts?

I realize that the water flutes are no longer playing, nowhere to be seen. I think back for a second and it occurs to me that I haven't heard a water flute since we passed through the gate ...

I turn to my girlfriend and she is visibly shaken. I probably am too but i haven't realized it yet. Have we somehow gone back in time? What crazy power do those damn water flutes have? My girlfriend and I are standing face to face now and I lean my forehead forward to rest on hers. I wrap my arms around her and close my eyes. We are both shaking in fear, like nothing I have never felt before in my life.

And then I think to myself "Wait Rob, haven't you been smoking peyote for three straight days, and couldn't this maybe be a figment of your imagination?"

And it turns out, it was. I don’t have a girlfriend and haven’t even been to the great wall.

More stories by this author here.

Email: [email protected] 
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Photo courtesy of the organizers


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